At the convocations we get to know one another by sharing a unique story about ourselves. Something interesting and personal. The more personal the better to create a closer, more intimate connection with each other.
So, rather than telling you some lame factoids about me like my favorite breakfast cereal (Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch) or the first concert I attended (The Bee Gees, 1979), I decided to share a personal story that will tell you a lot more about me…
My left testicle is made of wood.
Yep, just like George Washington's teeth, I got a wooden nut.
Back in my mid 30s I had an accident involving the July 4th holiday, firecrackers, various testicles, and a bet (which is another story for another time). When the smoke settled, the emergency room doctor recommended putting something back in my scrotum to replace my my naught nut. Otherwise I would have what is medically referred to as "nut sack sag." That’s where one side of the nugget pouch hangs twice as low because there’s nothing in the other side to balance out the weight. Kinda like when you pull up Venetian blinds that have one of the drawstrings broken so one side hangs too low. Same thing here, but without the blinds or the drawstring or, in my case, the Venetian.
So the doctor presented me with two new nut options: metal or plastic—neither of which appealed to me. Because of the environmental issues associated with plastic. I’d hate it if, after I died, my plastic nut contributed to the already 150 million metric tons of plastic waste currently circulating in our earth’s oceans. So, I nixed that nut.
I once read about an elderly woman whose metal hip replacement set off an airport metal detector and she was forced to remove her adult diaper as part of a security pat-down. I expressed concern over my own potential testicular metallic detection levels to the doctor and he conceded that a metal testis would indeed activate metal detectors. As much as I would’ve liked to possess the proverbial “brass balls” I was concerned there'd be no way the TSA officials would be able see my metal nut without zapping my scrotum full of radioactive X-rays. Not only would I miss every flight, I'd have nuts more radioactive than those of a Marvel character. So, that next nut nixed.
When I was a kid, pre-teen, my hobby was magic (tricks, not the dark arts). One of the first magic tricks I ever bought was the disappearing egg sack, a red felt bag into which I would drop an egg, wave my magic wand, then turn the sack inside out to reveal the egg was gone! To avoid messy breakage while I ham-fistedly worked the egg through a slit into the sack’s secret double lining, the makers of this cheap illusion had the foresight to make the egg out of wood. A smooth, small, white, uncrackable wooden egg.
Now with a plastic nut and a metal nut 86ed, I recalled my disappearing egg bag trick:
Sack > egg > gone.
It was like a pattern. So from that, I made a suggestion to the doc:
“How about a wooden nut? It’s natural and organic—just like my original nut was!”
The doctor thought about it for a while then told me it would work but it would also deteriorate over time.
“So will my real nut,” I told him.
The doc agreed and so wood it was.
Based solely upon my memories of my disappearing egg sack, my new nut was crafted. And just like the trick from which it was inspired, the doctor then ham-fistedly worked the small, white, uncrackable wooden egg through a slit and into into the sack.
-MKJ